fortitudo animi (Strength of heart)
by seektheinfinite
Summary: It's been three weeks since Maeve's death and Reid isn't coping. He turns to Morgan for help. This is my first Criminal Minds fic (but certainly not my last), so any feedback would be appreciated. No slash just friendship. One-shot. Complete


Reid raised his clenched hand, ready to knock on the office door, seeing the tremor that ran through his clenched fist he lowered it again, grasping it with his other hand. Why was this so hard? Morgan was his friend, he would understand and hopefully help, because he really needed some help right now.

It had been three weeks since Maeve's death, and he had been back working for a week now. He had hoped that by surrounding himself with his team, _his friends_, and throwing himself back into his work it would lessen the deep, gnawing ache that had taken root in the pit of his stomach. It hadn't, if anything it was getting worse, and he didn't even know how that was even possible. He was surrounded by people, and yet he had never felt so alone.

He had felt the same thing when they had lost Emily, he couldn't sleep, couldn't eat for feeling sick but this was something new, something else entirely. Sure he hadn't slept properly since it happened, he would get an hour or two before waking up in a cold sweat from some nightmare of another, it was never the same but it always had the same outcome. Maeve was dead, even in his dreams he was haunted by that reality.

In the last three days he had probably eaten the equivalent of two full meals, he found himself just picking at junk food, never the appetite or energy to actually cook something. That was something new as well, he had no energy, no drive, and concentrating on something for more than five minutes was a nonstarter.

He felt like his world had ended and from where he was standing there was no way out, just an endless black hole of nothingness. He was certain that he would never meet someone like Maeve again. Heck, he hadn't even met her before the day that she died and yet he was totally and utterly in love with her. He knew that she was going to be the one that he was going to spend the rest of his life with, now he was destined to live it alone, just as he always had.

Reid took a deep breath before resolving to just get this over with, he could stand here all day debating whether or not to go inside but sooner or later someone was going to come down the hallway and start asking questions that he wouldn't be able to answer as to why he was hanging around outside Morgan's office.

He raised his hand for a second time, this time being careful not to look, he knew it was shaking he could feel it, but if he knew if he looked he would start overthinking it again and the whole cycle would start again; he had already been here for ten minutes.

Reid knocked gently on the door, hoping that Morgan wouldn't hear him. He could then justify to himself that he had tried but Morgan was obviously busy. No such luck, no sooner had he finished knocking then Morgan had shouted out 'Yeah, come in.'

Reid put his hand tentatively on the door handle and pushed, there was no going back now. On entering Morgan's office he could see that his desk was piled with paperwork, with open files scattered across the desk.

'Hey' he started timidly. 'You're obviously busy so I'll just come back later.' With that he turned to head back through the still open door.

'Oh no you don't Reid. I know you've been standing out there for the last fifteen minutes trying to work up the courage to come in here, so this' he gestured to the files on his desk, 'can wait. Talk to me man, I want to help and I can't do that if you don't talk to me.'

Reid drew in a shaky breath before closing the door to the office and making his way over the empty chair that sat at Morgan's desk. There was a long pause, and Reid was glad of that, that Morgan wasn't trying to force the situation.

'I need your help with something but I would appreciate it if you didn't tell the rest of the team.'

'Anytime Reid, you know that, whatever you need, I've got your back.'

Reid looked down at his lap, his still shaking hands grasping on the chair, he felt light-headed, as though if he let go he would go toppling to the floor.

'I can't, this was a mistake. I shouldn't have bothered you. I'm sorry, I...' He looked up from his lap, he was sure that Morgan had on his big brother look but all Reid could see was a great big black blob where Morgan's head should have been. He couldn't breathe, he had to get out of here. Morgan was going to hate him if he found, he was just completely useless.

He went to stand from the chair, he really needed to get out of here, and it felt as if the walls were closing in around him. He would have fallen flat on him face if Morgan hadn't been there to grab him. He couldn't see him but he could feel him and he could hear him and that was enough to bring it all crashing down.

'Hey, Reid. Slow down okay. You're having a panic attack. Just sit down.' He guided Reid gently back into the chair that he had just come from before placing a firm hand on his back, rubbing small soothing circles as he continued to talk to his younger colleague. 'Just breathe okay. I promise you nothing bad is going to happen, you're fine. Everything is going to be fine.'

Morgan had trained for this, he had been in situations like this with victims all the time but this was one of their own, this was Reid. Seeing him like this was scary, and he really wished that he actually believed everything that was coming out of his mouth right now but he wasn't totally sure that everything _was_ going to be okay.

He admonished himself for even thinking about it, this was not about him, this was about Reid who was clearly in distress. He had to get him to calm down first and then perhaps he could figure out what the hell it was he had come here to tell him.

Morgan knelt down in from of Reid and took his head in his hands, he could feel the younger agent shaking, and could see the rapid movement of his chest as he struggled to breathe.

'Reid, look at me. Please.' It sounded like a request but it really wasn't. Morgan knew the only way that he was going to get Reid to calm down enough to talk to him was to get him to look him in the eye. He gently raised Reid's face to meet his eye level and was shocked at what he saw. How had he not noticed this before? The sunken eyes, the greyness to his skin, and had he lost weight? Sure he had known that Reid was struggling, he had lost the love of his life before he'd even had a chance to meet her, and yet he hadn't known that it was this bad.

'Okay Reid, just breathe okay. In...out...in...out. That's it, good.' Morgan encouraged as Reid was able to gain some form of control over his breathing. 'Okay, now just calm down okay. Take deep breaths, and when you're ready tell me what's wrong. I promise you I will not think any less of you, I only want to help you, whatever it is. I'm here for you man. I'm not going anywhere.'

Reid tried to avert his eyes as they began to well up with tears, but Morgan was quicker and quickly pulled his face back to his own.

'Hey, no. No more hiding okay. You have nothing to be ashamed off, let it out. If you need to cry go ahead. Let it all out, I'll wait. Nothing else is important right now.

_Bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do when they come for you._

Morgan couldn't help but smile as his phone range, Garcia had obviously changed his ringtone again. 'It's Garcia I better answer her or she'll hack my phone GPS, track me down and come and yell at me for not answering my phone.' Derek was glad to see that, at least, received the faintest ghost of a smile from Reid.

'Hey hot stuff. Is this important because I'm kind of in the middle of something right now? Okay, well just tell Hotch that Reid and I are kind of in the middle of something important right now, we'll be there when we can but you should go ahead and start without us.' There was a pause, and Reid could hear Garcia's animated voice on the other end of the line. 'Yeah baby girl, everything's fine. Yes Reid is fine, Garcia please, just tell Hotch I'll explain later and we'll be there when we can.'

Morgan sighed as he flipped the phone shut. 'Looks like we're going to have to come up with something good to tell Hotch. We have a case, they're meeting at the round table in five.'

Reid swiped at his eyes, brushing away the tears that were still lingering on his lashes, before making to stand once again. 'Well we'd better go, don't want to keep the rest of the team waiting. This can wait till later.'

Morgan placed a gentle, but firm restraining hand on Reid's arm. 'Oh no you don't. Whatever has you in this state has to be important and we're going to talk about it right now. The case can wait.'

'But Hotch will...' Reid began to protest. He didn't want Hotch to find out about this. If they were late to the meeting they would have to explain and that would mean telling Hotch as well, and he knew he wasn't ready for that. He couldn't even tell Morgan without having a complete breakdown.

'Don't worry about Hotch, I can handle him. Please, just talk to me Reid.' Morgan sat down on the edge of the desk facing Reid, and waited for him to begin.

'I need you to do something for me?' Reid swallowed before looking down at his lap once again, he didn't think he could do this if he could see the look in Morgan's eyes once the truth was revealed. 'To be precise I need you to get rid of something for me.'

'Okay.' Morgan waited for Reid to continue, this was all very cryptic and he was beginning to get more than a little bit worried. 'What kind of thing, and why can't you get rid of it yourself?' He wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know the answer but he had to ask because Reid certainly wasn't going to offer it voluntarily.

Without saying anything Reid picked up his messenger bag that he had placed on the floor beside the chair before slowly undoing the buckles. He placed his hand inside one of the side pockets and drew out a vial of clear liquid.

Immediately Morgan's' stomach dropped on seeing the small vial in Reid's hand. He wasn't close enough to be able to read the label but he was pretty sure he knew what it was going to say. _Dilaudid. _

Reid placed the small vial on Morgan's desk, never once raising his eyes from his lap. 'I need you to get rid of this for me. I...I haven't used any. I thought about, a lot over the last three weeks. I even thought about taking the lot a couple of times, but I haven't taken any. I want too, you have no idea how much I want too. But I don't want to lose everything and everyone I still have.'

Morgan didn't know what to say. He couldn't say that he was surprised. They'd all heard him when he had yelled at JJ after finding out that Prentiss was alive, they all knew that he had considered returning to the Dilaudid to deal with the pain then. Maeve, well losing her had been so much worse. Yet there had been no signs, he had looked for them, as he was sure the rest of the team had. Reid clearly wasn't eating or sleeping, and he was certainly irritable and off his game but that was only to be expected. Of course they had been looking for signs of drug use that weren't there. Reid had just admitted that he hadn't used any, he'd just thought about it. The part that had shocked him was that Reid had said he's considered using the whole thing, _suicide. _He knew it was bad, but never that bad, not Reid. Reid was a fighter.

'Reid, I...'

'Please can you just take it for me? I'm not strong enough, if I have it I will use it and I really don't want too. It hurts Morgan, it hurts so much, and I know how easy it would be to get rid of that pain. That's what makes it so hard, I know how easy it is.

I'm just so tired, mentally and physically. I wanted to deal with it by myself, didn't want to get you involved. I don't want you to think any less of me, I know you already think I'm the weakest member of the team, this just confirms that. But it's just...I can't sleep, I can't eat. I can't do my job, I don't want to do my job. That's what I hate about this the most, I really don't want to be here. I love my job, I love you guys but all I want to do is just curl up in a ball on my couch and pretend that the world doesn't exist. Looking at that vial I am reminded of how easy that could be, it's all just so tantalisingly close.'

Morgan had found himself going from shocked, to saddened to angry whilst listening to Reid but he knew that he couldn't interrupt him or he would never find out what was going on in that head of his.

'Spencer Reid, don't you EVER say that you are the weakest member of this team again, do you hear me?! You are the strongest member of this team, without any shadow of a doubt. To go through everything that you have been through and to come out the other side each and every time, that doesn't make you weak Reid; that makes you friggin Superman.

You're going to feel like crap for now, who knows how long this is going to last. Grief is something that nobody can plan for and no one can control. It's a process and you have to let it work itself out. No one is going to think any less of you if you take some more time off, we're all here for you, you know, you just have to let us in. Talk to us more often, before it gets to this', he indicated the vial of Dilaudid on his desk. 'You're right about how easy it would be to slip backwards and start using again but the thing is you didn't, did you. You came here to me instead, that took courage and it's already a step in the right direction.

I know you're tired so let us shoulder some of the weight, you don't have to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders you know, there are seven of us on this team and each and every one of us will help you carry the load. I get that you're used to being independent, hell you've had plenty of practice at it but you're not alone any more. I, we've, got you back.

Now we're going to go to that meeting, we're going to make like everything is fine. I know you're good at acting so that shouldn't be a problem. Then we're going to talk to Hotch.' Seeing the look of pure panic on Reid's face at the mention of his superior Morgan continued, 'I promised I would keep your secret and I will. We'll just tell him that you're not okay and that you really can't be here right now, and you're going to take some more time off. Trust me Reid, everything is going to be okay, you're going to be okay. We'll get through this, together. I promise.'

'Thank you.' Was all Reid was able to get out before completely breaking down, the tears flowing freely now. He felt like a balloon that had been inflated and now all the air was rushing out of him. It had taken everything he had to be here in this room, letting Morgan in on his secret but now he didn't have to do it alone. Now things would get better.

e He He


End file.
